Over the years the emphasis in discipline should move from structured discipline to self-discipline. Parents must “coach” their children, but learn to back off as their children learn to assume responsibilities.
We confidently affirm that the right way to approach discipline is to begin with tight control in the early years and then loosen up as the children become older, rather than attempt to rein in children who have not known control for years. Although it is a serious mistake to fail to gain control of your children in the early years, we believe it is equally ineffective and injurious not to let go at the proper time. If you want your sons and daughters to achieve the maturity of a life given over to the control of God, you must trust God and relinquish control to them. It is a spiritual axiom: Your children cannot give to God what they do not own (Kent and Barbara Hughes).
Rather than seeking to get our teenagers under our control, we want to be used of God so they would joyfully submit to His.
As a parent seeking to shepherd, you want to influence your (teen) to respond to the things that are reasonable, drawn from insight into human character based on Scripture. You are seeking to influence and provide counsel. You can accomplish nothing of lasting value simply by being an authority.
Teenagers experience frequent failure. As Christian parents you must become adept at taking your child to the cross to find forgiveness and power to live. You do your children great disservice if you strip away all the excuses for failure and force them to see their sin as it is, without giving them well worn paths to the cross.